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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28696335">This Little Family of Mine</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/theslightlyobsessedwriter/pseuds/theslightlyobsessedwriter'>theslightlyobsessedwriter</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(but only a little cause it's a feel good fic), Adopted Sibling Relationship, Angst, Anxiety, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Author Projecting onto Y/N, Cullen Family - Freeform, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Found Family, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Reader-Insert, Self-Indulgent, Self-Insert, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, lockdown is kicking my ass and i'm lonely so take this</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 08:16:11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,783</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28696335</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/theslightlyobsessedwriter/pseuds/theslightlyobsessedwriter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>You're the youngest Cullen sibling, having been adopted by them many years prior. Life with a vampire family is full of surprises, both good and bad, but sometimes... it's the most human things that get in the way.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alice Cullen/Jasper Hale, Carlisle Cullen/Esme Cullen, Cullen Clan &amp; Reader, Cullen Family &amp; Reader, Edward Cullen/Bella Swan, Emmett Cullen/Rosalie Hale</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>33</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Carlisle</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is a self-insert fanfiction, so if that isn't your jam, please don't hate!</p>
    </blockquote><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Finals are here at last. After months of prep, you still feel like the ground is crumbling beneath your feet. When the morning takes a turn for the worse, Carlisle comes to pick you up.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Of all the days you had to pass out at school, today was the absolute worst.</p><p>You knew it was coming. Finals had been looming for months now, and with every passing week, you felt the panic lifting higher and higher through your body. It was the day of your first exam, and to say your throat was in your mouth was a heinous understatement. Your hands trembled so quickly and harshly that it almost felt like you were vibrating; like you had batteries inside of you that were going to blow any minute and leave you with no choice but to shut down. Every step reverberated in your chest, and spots danced in front of your eyes. </p><p>This was all standard procedure, of course. When you were adopted by the Cullens, they had been given a detailed report of your struggles with anxiety, and surprisingly, the entire family had learned to cope with it really well. Carlisle helped explain the mechanics of what was happening to you, Edward was able to catch racing thoughts and Jasper quietened them with nothing more than a soft shoulder-touch and a knowing smile. Emmett, being the solid and steady vampire that he was, was brilliant at grounding you and giving you something to hold on to when it felt like the world was slipping away beneath your feet. Esme was the mother you always wanted - she knew exactly when to break you out of your thoughts and wrap you in the warmest hug you’d ever received. Rosalie and Alice were both big believers in retail therapy, and sometimes it was just nice to have someone tell you that you looked pretty whilst you twirled around in a new outfit. And Bella... though quiet and initially very stiff around you (not that she didn’t like you; it was just that the newborn hunger hadn’t quite faded yet), you had to admit it made you feel one hundred times better when you curled up in her arms, watching the light dance across the shield she covered you both with.</p><p>Overall, the Cullen family had been wonderful. Every single one of them had done their best to make you feel like part of the family, and sometimes you got so overwhelmed with affection that you would just wander into a room and hug one of them. They always accepted with a quiet chuckle and a quick squeeze - except Emmett, who was a strong believer of hugs being utterly useless unless he could wrap you up tightly and maybe lift you in his arms a little. There was only one problem.</p><p>None of the Cullens were here.</p><p>The pounding of your heart increased and you twitched your head around wildly. The now-dark spots of light in your vision meant you were going to black out. You’d never make it to your car, it was too far away. The nurse's office could be a viable option, but then again, that feeling of light-headedness was getting worse with each uneasy thump of your heart, so you probably wouldn’t be able to get there anyway. Students milled around you and it seemed like they were circling in on you, surrounding you, getting closer and closer until finally- nothing.</p><p>                                                                                                                                        ***</p><p>You came to in the nurse’s office, a very worried Carlisle and a slightly-bored nurse sat on opposite sides of a wooden school desk. You blinked open your eyes, before sitting bolt upright. “Wait, where- I don’t-” Carlisle was by your side inhumanely fast. He placed a hand on your shoulder and gently pushed you back down. You could feel the ice-cold of his skin through your jumper, and it grounded you a little. </p><p>“You’re alright, it’s okay. You’re okay.” His voice was soft, like always, but there was a hint of tenderness to it now that made tears spring to your eyes. Carlisle noticed this and took your hand in his, stroking his fingers up and down the back of your hand and turning to speak to the nurse. You caught a few words here and there - “fainted”, “anxiety”, “concussion”, “rest” - and you squeezed your eyes shut, your head swimming with exhaustion. You thought you were about to fall into sleep again, when you were woken by Carlisle’s voice calling your name.</p><p>“C’mon, it’s time we got you home to rest. I can drive you, my shift ended early.”<br/>
“But- but I- the test-”<br/>
“Y/N, it’s alright. The nurse has already spoken to your teachers, they all know how hard you’ve been working yourself lately. We all think you need a few day’s rest.”<br/>
“My car- it’s still-”<br/>
“In the lot, I know. Edward called him and Bella will drive it home for you when they’re back from class. Please.” </p><p>He gazed at you, turning his head and staring at you in a way that made you realise you weren’t going to win this fight. Carlisle had this air of professionalism and sincerity when he started talking medical - it made you trust him implicitly. You nodded, lowering your head and sitting up, his hand at your back. He helped you sit up, and you swung your legs around, slapping a hand against your mouth without thinking as nausea churns up your stomach. Oh right. You forgot. One of the many joys of anxiety was a permanently unsettled stomach, with a fun twist of nausea after panic attacks. Carlisle spotted what was going to happen a second or two before the nurse did - which was less to do with a sharp vampire mind and more to do with the fact that the nurse was checking her phone ‘discreetly’ under the desk - and swiped up the bin at his feet and held it in front of you as you lost the entirety of last night’s meal (despite her worrying and pleading, not even Esme had been able to convince you to eat breakfast this morning). Your eyes stung, and amidst the humiliation of it all, you could barely tell if your eyes were just watering or if you’d actually started crying. You hoped to god it was the former. The last thing you needed to worry about was rumours spreading that you passed out and bawled like a baby because they tried to make you do an exam. A solid lump formed in your throat and you sat back, willing yourself not to cry. </p><p>“I’m… sorry.” You muttered lamely, your face blushing bright red. Carlisle smiles at you, placing the bin down and taking your hands to help you off the uncomfortable bed.<br/>
“Y/N, I’m a doctor. I’ve seen much, much worse than a little vomit. Come on, let’s get you back home. Esme’s been worrying herself sick, when we got the call I had to stop her from marching down here and chewing out the principal, she thinks they’re working you far too hard.”<br/>
You smiled a little, the corners of your mouth feeling heavy and wrong as you stared determinedly at the floor, wringing your hands. Great, you think. <em>Now you’ve disturbed everyone. Anyone else you want to get involved? Why not call in the wolf pack? God knows you’ve already messed up everybody else’s day. Stupid.</em></p><p>                                                                                                                                           ***</p><p>The car ride home was silent, but not the uncomfortable type - it was the type that made you feel safe, like you didn’t have to talk. Which was rather handy, considering the fact that your throat was so tight that it felt like a single word would cause a full-scale breakdown. Despite probably being the most sensible of them all, Carlisle drove like the rest of the family, so you were pulling down your long drive within five minutes of setting off. The lights were off, which was strange. Despite her superhuman eyesight meaning she could spot a single leaf falling from a tree twenty miles away in pitch dark, Esme always preferred to keep the lights on, even when she was home alone; she had adopted the human customs with much more enthusiasm and ease than the others (which nobody was sure of the reason why), so it seemed pretty weird that she’d be alone in the house with all the lights off. You turned to Carlisle to ask the question, but, like always, it was as if he knew exactly what you were thinking. Sometimes, you wondered if he’d been granted the same gift as Edward when he was turned, and he’d just kept it to himself. </p><p>“She wanted me to pass on her apologies. She really wanted to be home when you got back, but she hasn’t hunted in weeks - I refused to let her hurt herself any more. She knows that you and your siblings see her as a mother, but sometimes, she feels like she has to prove herself to you guys, and to me. Back when she first met Edward, she was awful - I had to drag her away from him to hunt, she hated leaving him.” He chuckled, his golden eyes warm with memories. “You would’ve thought he was a newborn baby, the way she was with him. It was like if she left him he’d… disappear, or something. She’s better now, but she still struggles.” You nodded your head, making a very urgent mental reminder to hug Esme and tell her you love her as much as possible. You tried to speak, but your heart still felt like it was pounding out of your chest. Carlisle seemed to understand, because he placed a cold hand on your shoulder, and smiled. “You’re okay. Let’s get you inside, I can make you a grilled cheese if you like.” The comment made you giggle a little; no matter how many times you heard it, hearing Carlisle - Carlisle, a man born in the 1600s - saying modern slang was something that would always put a smile on your face.</p><p>As you opened the door, it was as if someone had lifted a fifty-tonne weight off your shoulders. Home. You sucked in a trembling breath, shedding your coat and hanging it up by the entryway, toeing off your trainers before flicking the light on and settling down in the living room. Like your vampire family, you ran cold - the only difference was, you weren’t cold-blooded, you just found yourself feeling cold all the time. To deal with this, the family had bought a plethora of blankets for you (“Stop being embarrassed, Y/N,” Alice had chided you, laying out the vibrant array of blankets - one for each room of the house - she’d bought. “Besides, since Bella hates whenever I try to force her into anything that could be considered fashionable, I needed something to express my artistic abilities.” Bella scowled, and you laughed). You pulled one of these blankets around you now, shivering with adrenaline as well as the cold. You closed your eyes, and the second you did, images flashed in front of you: the exam hall, the curious faces of students above you, the pale walls of the nurse’s office. That pesky lump rose in your throat, and this time, it burned. You could hear Carlisle moving around in the kitchen - despite having the ability to move completely silently, the entire family had started making the ‘human’ amount of noise when moving around, because they had figured out pretty quickly that sneaking up on you accidentally was a one-way ticket to a gruelling panic attack - and it stopped you short. These people had taken you in. And here they were, looking after you. Your vision blurred and you pulled the blanket tighter around your shoulders, desperately seeking some sort of comfort. These people were giving everything for you.</p><p>“Are you still up for this grilled cheese? If you don’t want it, I’m sure Edward will dare Emmett to eat it, so it won’t go to waste,” Carlisle chuckled, making his way over to the living room. You opened your mouth, to thank him, to apologise for taking up his afternoon, to explain why you weren’t even able to speak properly even though it had been hours since the exam - and nothing but a harsh sob came out. You looked up at the man who had taken you in, eyes still glazed over, and that horrible sound came from you again. “Y/N, what’s wrong? Please talk to me, I can help. Please,” he whispered, placing the plate down on the table and settling gently beside you, barely even disturbing the cushions behind him. He reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind your ear, a gesture of peace and calm.</p><p>That did it.</p><p>You crumbled, sobs working their way out of you with a force that made your chest ache and your head pound. You practically slammed yourself into Carlisle’s chest, burying your face into his granite shoulder and letting out everything you’d kept inside since… well, since you’d been told the dates of your finals, four months earlier. All the nights spent barely sleeping, all the days spent in a haze of desperate note-taking, all the pain, the hurt, the anger, the anxiety - it all came out in a flood of tears. It felt as though there was something inside you, some animal or creature, trying to claw its way out of your body, and the agony was like nothing you could ever have imagined. You’re fine, it was just a stupid exam, and they didn’t even make you do it, so what the hell was the problem? Your cheeks flushed bright red with embarrassment, but it was too late now. You’d been overdue for a cry for a long time now - the only difference was, this time, you didn’t have the cover of darkness or the safety of loneliness to make it feel less pathetic. But here you were, in broad daylight, practically sat in Carlisle’s lap. You barely even recognised the gentle, soft moving of his mouth against your hair as him speaking, but as your breath slowed from frantic and panicked to a slightly quickened shuddering pace - not much of an improvement, but in your condition, you’d take anything - you started to make sense of what he was saying.</p><p>“You’re okay. I promise you, it’s all going to be okay. Nothing is going to happen, I’ll make sure of it. It’s okay to cry, it’s okay to have bad days, it’s okay to need a break. You’re alright, I’ve got you.” You felt a cold hand, light as a feather, run through your hair, another pressed firmly between your shoulder blades, smoothing down your shirt and creating a steady, grounding pressure that helped you come back to the present, your eyes still misty. You pulled back slightly, freeing your hands to scrub at your eyes.</p><p>“I’m sorry, I’m being stupid,” you murmur, picking at the fraying edged of the blanket around you.<br/>
“Stop it.” You looked up, surprised at the firmness in Carlisle’s voice. He was always so quiet, so soft spoken, that this tone change was more than unexpected. “I need you to listen to me, Y/N. Look at me, please.” You obeyed. His face was warm - he looked exactly like a dad should. Kind. Understanding. “You have to stop talking about yourself like that. You deserve so much more. Don’t you understand? Crying isn’t stupid. Needing time to yourself isn’t stupid. You’re human, despite the family you’ve found, and you need to understand that being human means you’re not going to be at your best twenty-four-seven. You’re going to have days where you feel like the world is crashing down, and everyone is against you. You just have to remember that when you have those days, you also have a family of people who love you, and we’re always going to be there. No matter what. You are my daughter. A missed exam isn’t going to change the way I see you.”<br/>
Your heart swelled and you couldn’t help but smile, moving closer to Carlisle and placing your head against his shoulder.</p><p>“I love you, dad,” you said, your voice barely a whisper. He stopped for a moment - it almost seemed like he was trying to process. He turned his head and smiled, his entire face lighting up like you had just presented him with the moon on a platter. He moved a hand to ruffle your hair before wrapping his arm around your shoulder.</p><p>“I love you too.” He nudged you with his head, before grabbing the remote and handing it to you. “Now, come on. You need a break, and goodness knows I’m not needed to help the one patient at the hospital right now. What was that show you were trying to convince me to watch the other day? Something about… chess, I think?” You giggled.<br/>
“Yeah, The Queen’s Gambit. It’s supposed to be pretty good, everyone at school has been raving about it for weeks, and there’s only so long I can go dodging spoilers. Are you sure? I mean you probably know all there is to know about chess, I watched Edward play against Jasper and he said he only won because he learnt everything from you.”<br/>
“That, and he can predict everybody’s moves as they’re about to make them.” You nodded your head, smiling. God knows watching a chess game between Alice and Edward was infuriating, half the moves were made in their minds and it was nigh impossible to understand without a running commentary from the pair. You flicked to the right channel, and pressed play, the opening credit flashing up on the ridiculously oversized screen.</p><p>“Dad?”<br/>
“Yes?”<br/>
“Thank you.”<br/>
“My pleasure, dear.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Edward</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Two times Edward helped you with your anxious thoughts, and one time you guys actually talked about it.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is a self-insert fanfiction, so if that isn't your jam, please don't hate!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You always had a thing for analysis. It’s served you well, for the most part - you’re always the top of the class in English, picking at tiny details that nobody else thought was relevant and spinning it into a four page essay. It certainly made you popular with your English teachers, but <em>God</em>, when it comes to everyday life, your analytical brain is a <em>drag</em>.</p>
<p>If you could explain it (which you’ve tried desperately to, and despite being good with words, you’ve never found the right ones that accurately describe what’s going on up there), it’d be like this: when two people are having a conversation, most of the things said will be taken at face level. So, if someone said “I like your hair today”, most people would smile, thank them, and move on with the conversation. But if someone turned to <em>you</em> and told you, “I like your hair today”, suddenly your normal-human-interaction brain switches off, and your CSI-analysis brain kicks in. Every little detail is flashing through your head at a speed that’s almost dizzying. <em>Why are they looking at your hair? They wouldn’t compliment it unless they were looking at it. Have you changed it recently? Are they just saying that because they want something from you? It must be because they pity you. Or because they’re laughing at you secretly. That’s it, they’re making fun of you, time to leave, to get out- </em></p>
<p>Needless to say, the last time someone flirted with you, you spent the next half an hour dry heaving and shaking in the school bathrooms. </p>
<p>However, it had always been something that you kept to yourself. You’ve never felt the need to talk to anyone about it. It was terrifying at the time, having your thoughts race so fast that it almost hurt to register every one, there was no doubt about that. But after a little time, some perspective, and maybe a snack or two, you usually managed to reign in your thoughts and start feeling like a normal person again, all without letting anybody know what was happening inside your head. It was easier that way - safer. People can’t get bored of dealing with your bursts of anxiety if you deal with them yourself. This was the way you’d coped (you were hesitant to say thrived; it had been difficult) for most of your life, and there was no reason for that to change. Except there was a reason, and that reason was a mind-reading, intelligent, and extremely overprotective vampire big brother named Edward Cullen.</p>
<p>For all of his melodramatic and slightly intense ways, Edward truly had been the best big brother you could ask for. He looked out for you, like the rest of the Cullens, but he had an extra advantage that you hadn’t entirely bargained on. It was kind of freaky at first, having someone answer questions out loud that you only asked in your head, but you soon learned it had plenty of benefits. During panic attacks, he was able to know exactly what (or who) you needed without you ever saying a word. He was incredible when it came to finding out people’s true intentions (once, you’d brought a boy back to the Cullen house, and Edward had practically growled and forced him out - you were angry until Edward explained that the boy had been remembering an R-Rated texting session he had whilst you two went on a movie theatre date last week), and best of all, he was incredibly helpful when it came to dispelling your regular bouts of paranoia and anxiety. You didn’t have to worry about what people thought about you, because he could tell you. You still struggled, there was no doubt about that, but with Edward around, not every out-of-the-blue complement or change of tone sent you into a tailspin of worry. You smiled - yes, Edward certainly made things better. </p>
<p>Despite his abilities, though, it had truly taken him a while to confront you about it.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>The first time Edward had experienced your racing thoughts was only a few months after the Cullens had welcomed you into their family.</p>
<p>By all accounts, it had been a completely and utterly normal day. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, which, considering you lived with a family of vampires, could be considered a blessing in disguise sometimes. You were walking with your friend Bethany out of Trigonometry, laughing about nothing in particular.</p>
<p>“I’m serious, Y/N, I don’t have enough space in my head for whatever the hell that was.” Bethany whined, pressing her fists into her eyes, rubbing furiously like she was trying to dispel a bad headache. “Mr Varner is like, ‘Come on, you can do this, I’ve taught you this’, and I’m like ‘Well, you obviously didn’t teach it to us <em>well</em>, cause if you did, I would’ve been able to do it. I swear I never learn anything from his class, I might as well ditch and go shopping, at least then I’d be learning about… I don’t know, economics, or something like that.”</p>
<p>“You do know that shopping teaches you nothing about economics? At all?” You laughed, bumping your shoulder into hers and rolling your eyes.</p>
<p>“Yeah, I know, I just don’t wanna learn about trig anymore. I mean, does anyone? It’s confusing. It hurts my brain.”<br/>“It’s not actually that bad, you just have to… you have to keep at it. It’s like riding a bike - it’s kinda hard at first, but then you get it, and once you’ve got it, it never goes away.”<br/>“And you’ve got it?” Bethany asks, her voice full of playful scorn. <br/>“I’d like to think so,” you admit. Trig had ruined your life when you first started learning about it - you couldn’t understand it for the life of you. But you were nothing if not stubborn and determined, so you’d stayed up for what seemed like weeks on end, trying to master it. After almost a month of mostly sleepless nights, several frustrating tutoring sessions from Jasper and Alice, and one very scary episode of collapsing from exhaustion onto Esme after she came to check on you, you finally understood it. It had been a long and very, very exhausting ride to get there, but now that you were there, class flew by in a breeze. “It took me a while, but I got there. You will too, if you keep on with it.” You smiled at her, trying to inject enthusiasm and hope into your voice.</p>
<p>“Yeah, right. Cause that wasn’t condescending at all,” Bethany replied quickly, stopping short with her face deadly serious. You held your breath - it wasn’t like Bethany to be serious unless it was strictly necessary, and even then she had some trouble. <em>Shit. You must’ve really pissed her off. What did you say?</em> Suddenly, she burst into a fit of giggles. “Oh my god, Y/N, breathe, you look like you’re about to pass out. I was only joking with you.” She shook her head. “I have to get to class. I’ll see you around?” You nodded, still unable to find your voice. Bethany tilted her head quizzically at you, before bouncing off to Spanish class. </p>
<p>You walked to English in a daze. <em>You don’t understand. She isn’t really mad, she told you so herself. She was joking - she doesn’t really think you’d meant to talk down to her. She knows that you only wanted to help. But what if she doesn’t? What if she was laughing to break the awkward tension? What if she really was offended, but didn’t want to talk to you? Maybe that’s why she walked off so quickly. She’s never bothered about getting to class early before, and there was at least another five minutes before her class started. The Spanish building was only a few seconds away, why did she go so quickly? She must hate you. That’s it, that’s the only explanation. She’s mad at you. She wanted to get away from you, she doesn’t want to talk to you anymore, and now you’ve blown one of your most important friendships. You idiot! She doesn’t want your stupid help, she’s not stupid, unlike you. Some people can get stuff done without constantly crying about it and bothering everyone else. She doesn’t need you to swoop in and tell her stuff she can figure out on her own, you’re not some genius. You’re just an idiot, who thinks she’s better than everyone else. Why don’t you try shutting up for once? Why don’t you try leaving people alone? Why don’t you-</em></p>
<p>“Y/N?” A voice, soft like honey and velvet, disrupts your thoughts. You looked up to see Edward, Bella next to him, both wearing looks of subtle concern, next to your desk - wait… desk? You looked around, registering with more than ample shock that you were seated in your English class, and it was almost empty. “You look distant... are you okay?” You coughed, finding your voice.<br/>“Yeah, I’m fine,” you smiled. Your voice sounded way off - like you were underwater, maybe, or talking in a tunnel. You knew it wouldn’t be enough to fool the couple; you just wanted them off your backs for long enough to come up with an excuse for your whirling thoughts.</p>
<p>“Are you sure? Because you weren’t answering when we called. Is something wrong?” He lowered his voice. “We can ditch if you want, me and Bella have been through this class hundreds of times and I’m sure we can give up an evening to teach you some other time.” You shook your head, running a hand through your hair in what you hoped looked like a my-hair-is-in-my-eyes kind of way, rather than an I’m-super-stressed-and-need-to-chill-out kind of way. <br/>“I’m sure, I wanna stay. And hey, I only have this lesson left, then I’m meeting up with Sophie and we’re going to the mall. I’m fine, I promise.” Edward didn’t look at all convinced, but as Mr Bertymade his way into the classroom, it became fairly obvious to him that you weren't going to tell him anything else for now. </p>
<p>“Okay, if you’re sure. Shoot a text if you decide you want to ditch after all, okay? I’m sure Bella can pretend to faint or something, goodness knows she was always doing that whilst she was human.” He received a strong punch in the arm from Bella for that comment, and the three of you laughed, trying to conceal giggles from the wandering eyes of your classmates. As they started to walk away, Edward muttered something so low that you know only you (and Bella, but that was due to her superhuman hearing - it comes with the whole vampire gig) could hear:</p>
<p>“Bethany really was joking. She’s thinking about taking you shopping this weekend. Breathe.”</p>
<p>With that, he was gone.<br/>***</p>
<p>The second time Edward was subjected to your racing thoughts was a few months later, and surprisingly enough, it was during the celebration of your two year anniversary of being welcomed into the Cullen family. Well… you say the second time. It had undoubtedly happened many times between that fateful day in English class and your party, but these were just the most major incidents of it you remembered. After a week or two, most incidents of over-thinking were forgotten - it just so happened that these had stayed in your mind for longer.</p>
<p>Alice had insisted that if the family was planning on celebrating tonight, she had to be allowed to completely make you over. You, amused by Alice’s lively ways (and secretly really, really wanting to go out on a shopping trip and getting all done up - you were no Bella, and if you were completely honest, you loved how pretty Alice made you look and feel after a pamper day), agreed immediately, and found yourself whisked away from the family at a speed that would have been nauseating if you weren’t so used to being thrown over vampire’s shoulders and carried rather ungracefully to wherever it was they didn’t think you could get to fast enough. “By the time I’m finished with you, you’re going to feel like a princess!” Alice squealed, her laughter like the peeling of tiny bells echoing around her room.</p>
<p>The day passed in a mixture of relaxation and excitement. Alice wasn’t kidding when she’d said she was going for the full works - that included a facial, a shopping trip to the local town, a haircut (you had no idea how she managed to talk you into that one), a mani-pedi, a catwalk session (again, you had no idea how she convinced you to do that, but walking like a model around a room and having someone hyping you up with every outfit change turned out to be a wonderful confidence booster), and finally, a makeover. </p>
<p>Alice was applying my foundation when Rosialie walked in, still in her casual clothes. You knew that she would only need to get ready about ten minutes before - after almost one hundred years of practice, she was a natural makeup artist. You’d seen her do a full face of glamour in seven minutes before. She was always trying to beat her record, and you’d bugged her enough that she’d promised to teach you how to get faster, since an average makeup look took you around three hours, and that was on a good day. She looked you up and down, taking a lock of your hair in her hand and twisting it gently. Turning to Alice, with a hesitant smile, she asked, “Can I do her hair?” Alice beamed.</p>
<p>“Of course you can! But you have to wait, I can’t risk her moving and smudging my hard work.” With that, she got back to work, grabbing a small fluffy eyeshadow brush and wielding it like a tiny sword. “Now… what colour?”</p>
<p>Two hours later, you were ready. Looking in the full length mirror and twirling, you giggled a little when you realised Alice was right - you really did look like a princess. As you turned around, your dress (a cute little periwinkle blue number that fell just below your knees) floated out, and despite yourself, you laughed again, your heart soaring with happiness. You’d never really felt self-confident, and you’d sort of gotten used to going through life feeling like the ugly duckling in a world full of swans. But tonight, you really felt like the prettiest person in the world. Alice took your hand, and together, you walked down the stairs together, to see your entire family waiting for you, all dressed up. You notice with a small prick of confusion that Rosalie is absent, but it’s quickly dispelled when Carlisle and Esme are pulling you into their arms, and you’ve never felt more at home in your entire life.</p>
<p>You had been chatting with the family for a while before you all broke off into your groups. Edward and Bella sat at the piano, Edward playing a mix of classical songs and his own compositions. Esme and Carlisle stood near to them, slow dancing together and laughing as they fumbled over each other’s feet. Emmett and Jasper were locked in an intense game of pool, with Alice behind Jasper, whispering to him the outcome of his and Emmett’s moves before they were even made (Emmett had long since stopped protesting this rather obvious form of cheating). You were hovering near them, a glass clutched tight in your hand, a small smile playing on your lips. </p>
<p>That was when Rosalie walked in.</p>
<p>It took all that you had to keep your jaw from hitting the floor. She looked gorgeous - no, that wasn’t right. Using the word gorgeous felt like an insult looking at Rosalie. She was a goddess, an ancient deity that had descended from the Heavens. Her hair shone in the light of the room, cascading in soft waves over her shoulders and stopping in the middle of her back. Her dress was fit for a supermodel; it was a crimson dress, with a lace skirt that draped down her leg in a way that made it look as though she was literally dripping in rubies. Her eyelids were painted with the same crimson hue, and when she blinked, they sparkled. Her lips were painted blood-red, and a faint stroke of blush across her cheekbones made it seem as though she was still alive. Everything about her screamed of beauty and elegance, and your heart stuttered a little in your chest. </p>
<p>You thought you were past this. When you’d first come into the Cullen way, it had felt like a huge slap to your self-esteem. They were vampires - Edward had explained to you once about how the venom literally changes their physiology and makes them much more attractive, it was just another way for them to become the optimal predator. It had taken a while, but you had finally got your head around the fact that the presence of Rosalie’s beauty, or Alice’s, or Bella’s, or Esme’s, didn’t mean the absence of your own. You didn’t have to compete in order to feel good about yourself.</p>
<p>All of that went out the window as soon as Rosalie had walked in.</p>
<p><em>God, it was a stupid idea to think that you could be anything other than the ugly duckling,</em> you thought, mentally beating yourself up. <em>Look at you. A full day of other people making you look beautiful and you’re still the dullest one in the room. You’re always just behind, aren’t you? Never quite as pretty, never quite as smart, never quite good enough to keep people around. You never learn. You just keep, trying, and trying, and then look how you end up - stood alone in a stupid dress, your face painted with stupid glitter and stupid lipstick and stupid eyeshadow, looking and feeling like the ugliest person on the planet. Look at them! You really thought you could compete against that? That’s like saying a lump of dirty coal is competing with a pearl necklace. You look so dumb, what were you even-</em></p>
<p>Suddenly, you felt a pair of cold hands on your shoulders, and a soft voice behind your head asked, “Can I have this dance, Y/N?” You became aware with a sickening realisation that Edward could hear everything you were thinking. Determined to not let that horrific thought show on your face, you smiled with too much confidence, curtseying mockingly before moving both of your hands to his shoulder and into his waiting hand respectively. You danced slowly, trying to make your head go blank enough for you to enjoy this rare moment.</p>
<p>“You don’t have to compete with Rosalie, you know,” Edward whispered, low enough so only you could hear. <br/>“I- what?”<br/>“You’re beautiful. There’s no point comparing yourself to her, because you’ll always be beautiful, no matter what you tell yourself.”<br/>“Yeah, right,” you murmur, some hurt creeping into your voice. “I have nothing on her. There’s no point competing because nobody would ever look at me twice with her in the room.” Edward blinked a few times, seemingly considering how to respond. After a few moments, he spoke up.</p>
<p>“Do you think flowers are pretty?”<br/>“Edward, I’m really not in the mood for riddles.”<br/>“I’m being serious. Flowers. Do you think they’re pretty?”<br/>“Yes, I think flowers are pretty.”<br/>“Well, how about Christmas lights? The one Carlisle and Esme hang up together, on the front of the house? Do you think they’re pretty?”<br/>“Yes, but I don’t understand why any of this matters.” Edward smiled.<br/>“But they look completely different, right? There’s no way those Christmas lights could ever be compared to flowers, yet they’re both so beautiful. You and Rosalie look different, but you’re both beautiful in your own way.” Tears rushed unbidden to your eyes, and you dropped your hand from his shoulder to brush at the damp lingering there. “You’re beautiful, little sister. Don’t ever let anyone convince you otherwise. Especially not your own thoughts.” He pressed the softest kiss to your forehead, before pulling back and cupping your face in his hands, a gentle smile playing on his lips. </p>
<p>“Now, let’s grab you a drink. The party’s only just beginning!”</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>The third time Edward caught you in the middle of a spiral was the first time he confronted you about it - properly, at least. He’d always hovered when he could hear you getting out of control, maybe say a few words or hug you wordlessly, but nothing more. Nothing much about this time was different. It started how it usually did - with a well-meant comment that you just couldn’t get out of your head.</p>
<p>“I mean, everyone already knows you’re a klutz. They’re hardly gonna be surprised with one more video of you eating concrete, are they?”</p>
<p>In Ashley’s defence, she didn’t mean it in a nasty way. It was the middle of winter, and you had been in a constant state of terror all day. You and ice were <em>not</em> compatible - something Bella related to (when she was human, at least). So, when a patch of ice in the parking lot caught you by surprise and you fell face first onto the floor, it was nothing more than an inevitability. Sure, it still hurt like a bitch, but that kind of came with the territory of being clumsy - endless funny stories to tell, bruises springing up left right and centre, and enough videos of you tripping over the air or knocking over glasses to create a short film. Ashley, your friend from Geography class, hauled you up as quickly as possible, helping you to dust off your jeans and collect the binders that had flown out of your arms when you bit the dust. You could tell she felt sorry for you from the endless stream of reassurances coming from her, the last one being-</p>
<p>“I mean, everyone already knows you’re a klutz. They’re hardly gonna be surprised with one more video of you eating concrete, are they?” You nodded in confirmation, your smile not quite reaching your eyes. “You sure you’re okay?” Ashley asked, brushing a strand of your hair behind your ear.</p>
<p>“I’m fine, I promise. I’m gonna go home and grab a bath, I think. That might delay the inevitable full-body stiffness of tomorrow for a while. See you tomorrow?” You said, your voice sounding much more confident than you felt. Ashley, seemingly satisfied with your response, nodded once, her blonde hair bouncing.</p>
<p>“See you tomorrow!” With that, she made her way out of the gates, plugging in her headphones and miming along to an unknown song. Once you were sure she was out of sight, you ran to your car, almost slipping again in your blind rush to get away. You slammed the door behind you, pushing your face firmly into your hands and letting out a small whimper. </p>
<p><em>Jesus Christ, could you go a single day without embarrassing yourself like a total fool? In the parking lot as well, you don’t even want to think about how many people videoed you. And that wasn’t even the worst part. How hadn’t you realised how much of a joke you’d become? How didn’t you notice how everyone was laughing at you?</em> You thought about what Ashley had said, and you felt sick to your stomach. <em>”Everyone already knows you’re a klutz… one more video of you eating concrete.” Oh God, they were all laughing at you, weren’t they? They’d been laughing at you this whole time, and you just too dumb to see it. How would you ever be able to look anyone at school in the eye again? That video would be all over by this evening, and by tomorrow you’d be the laughing stock of every classroom, and oh</em>God<em>you can’t breathe, shit, you can’t breathe-</em></p>
<p>“-that’s it, Y/N, listen to me... you need to breathe, you’re okay,” a voice came from beside you, and you jumped, flailing your arms around until a pair of freezing cold hands grabbed wrists and gently lowered them. It was Edward - how the hell did he get in your car? - and he was looking more than a little concerned, his brows pinched together and his eyes wide. </p>
<p>“Edward, I don’t- I- can’t- I don’t know what- what to do, I don’t know-” <br/>“I know, I know, you don’t have to speak. You’re alright, there’s no one else here,” he reassured you. After a few minutes of struggling to breathe, you managed to catch your breath, wiping at the tears that had formed during your freakout. You blushed bright red; if Edward didn’t think you were a weirdo before, he certainly did now. You hid your face in your hands, trying your best to compose yourself.</p>
<p>“Why do you do that?” You startled, looking at Edward in confusion.<br/>“Do what?” You asked.<br/>“You… it’s hard to explain. You take things people have said, or things you’ve seen, and you just… hold on to them. You cling to them, and analyse them, as if every single thing has some hidden meaning that you have to find. Why do you do that?” You shrugged, laughing sadly as a few tears ran down your cheek.</p>
<p>“I dunno, it just happens. I can’t control it, it just happens, and before I know it I’m thinking so fast it feels like I’m gonna pass out. It’s stupid, I know.” You scrubbed your hand against your face, hard, and sucked in a deep breath. “I usually deal with it on my own, but sometimes it comes out in ways I can’t understand.”<br/>“Like hyperventilating in your car?” He prompted, trying to make you smile. <br/>“Like hyperventilating in my car,” you agreed, glad that he understood.<br/>“Do you mind… I mean, is it alright if I ask what triggered it this time?” <br/>“Yeah. It’s kind of stupid, I guess. I have this thing about people filming me, and I was coming out of class with Ashley and this ice was just <em>there</em> and I hit the floor face first. Which was fine, if not excruciatingly embarrassing, but then Ashley was like ‘It’s fine, everyone already knows you’re clumsy, what’s one more video’ and I was like ‘oh god, she’s right, everyone knows that I’m an idiot who can’t stand on her own two feet’, and then I was thinking about how everyone’s gonna laugh at me, and, Edward, I can’t-” </p>
<p>He took your face in his hands, and stopped you short. </p>
<p>“Stop it, Y/N, stop it, you’re over-analysing again. I promise you, barely anyone saw. You humans spend so much time worrying about how everyone sees you, you barely notice that everyone else is too busy worrying about the same thing to be judging you.” You stopped, mulling that over in your head. You’d never even thought of it like that - after all, you weren’t really known for being rational whilst in the middle of a panic attack, but then again, neither was anyone else, so it was hardly your fault. Edward’s voice, much more serious now, interrupted your musings.</p>
<p>“Will you tell me?”<br/>“What?” You blinked, a little confused. Edward was your brother, you told him everything.<br/>“Will you tell me if it happens again? If you… start over-analysing, or you can’t stop thinking? I want to be there for you. I want to help.” For the third time that day, your eyes started to water, and this time, you let it happen. Whatever you’d done to deserve a big brother like Edward, you were immensely grateful.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” you whisper, your voice hoarse. “Yeah, I will. Thank you, Edward. I know I can be a bit much-”<br/>“And that’s where I stop you. Y/N, you never have been, and never will be, too much. I told Bella this a long time ago, and I’ll repeat it to you now - my family is my life. You are part of that family, so I will do everything in my power to stop you hurting. I promise.” You twisted your body in a slightly uncomfortable position and rested your head on his firm shoulder, and he reached up to play with your hair.</p>
<p>“Those things you think… they aren’t true. You’re beautiful, and special, and nobody at this school sees you as negatively as you see yourself. You know I’m not in the habit of lying to people to make them feel better.” You snorted wetly, rolling your eyes and sitting up.<br/>“I think Bella would have something to say about that,” you said, raising your eyebrows at him. He laughed, flicking you in the arm.</p>
<p>“Yeah, alright, whatever. Let’s go pick her up before she accidentally attracts another coven of dangerous vampires again.”<br/>“You have to let that go! It was one time, man, she’s much better now she’s a vampire.”<br/>“...No, she’s still a danger-magnet, she’s just harder to break.”<br/>“Fair enough.”</p>
<p>“I love you, Edward.”<br/>“I love you too, little sister. Now come on, let’s grab Bella and go. There’s a game tonight and Charlie’s coming over.”<br/>“Sure thing,” you smiled.</p>
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